How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
Don't worry, bee happy!
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
You're the ruler of my heart.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
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