Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
"I'm eggs-hausted."
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
"What an egg-citing day."
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
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