What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
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