What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
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