Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
I yam what I yam.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
Dublin’ the fun.
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
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