Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
Shell yeah.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
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