What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
I’ll be there in a pinch.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
I like your tight end
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
My love for you is like no otter.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
I'm snow bored.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
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