What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
Mooning is very ASStrological
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
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