There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Beer-lieve it or not!
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
Sip, sip, horray!
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
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