I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
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