King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
I only have ice for you.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
All clover the world.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
I’ll never fir-get.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
Icy what you did there.
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
Yule be sorry.
"Eggs-cuse me."
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
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