Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
Are you squiding me right now?
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
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