What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
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