What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
Beach you to it.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
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