What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
All punts are highly intended
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
Practice safe text: use commas.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
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