My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
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