My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
Drink happy thoughts.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
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