I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
It’s a winterful day!
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
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