What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
We’re a perfect mash.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
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