What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
The goal nine yards
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
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