What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
What a spud muffin.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
I fence-y you.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
Donut even think about taking another donut!
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
How rude-olf of you.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
Shave a single shingle thin.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
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