What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
Treat yo shelves.
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
I have the final sleigh.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
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