Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
This is snow laughing matter!
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
Thin grippy thick slippery.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
You mermaid to go far.
I think therefore I yam.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
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