If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
The weather outside is snow joke.
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
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