What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
You really mermaid my day.
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
I love you from my head tomato
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
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