Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
I have a heart-on for you.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
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