What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
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