What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
What does a house wear?
Address.
"You round me out." — High Card Band
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
Seas the day!
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
I always have a ball with you.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
Irish you luck.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
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