What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
Every piece of you is sweet.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
Why is "dark" spelled with a K?
Because you can't C in the dark.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
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