Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
As it snow happens.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
Thank brew very much.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Let me plant one on ya!
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
Rebel without a Claus.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
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