Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
"No eggs-cuses."
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
Let’s take an elfie.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
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