He’s my pinch charming.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
The superconductor left without resistance.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
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