Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
We’re a perfect mash.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
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