What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
Stay true to your shelf.
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
I read dead people.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
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