A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
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