I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
You have a pizza my heart.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
For instant fun, just add water.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
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