Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
"You're the wine that I want."
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
My weekend is fully booked.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
Eddie edited it.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
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