What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
Calm before the score
In Ireland, I call the shots.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
You are aged to perfection.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
The weather outside is snow joke.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
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