What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
You better beer-live it!
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
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