Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
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