"Read between the wines."
"Reti or not, here I come!"
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
Salty but sweet.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
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