What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
Hold on for deer life.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
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