If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
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