What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
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