What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
I'm snow bored.
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