They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
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