What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
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What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
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