What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
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