What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
I loaf you.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
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