What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
This is snow laughing matter!
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
Let me plant one on ya!
Metaphors be with you.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
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