People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
I whale always love you.
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
Go to BabaMail
