I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
I can sea clearly now.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
I yam what I yam.
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
I think you’re dandelion.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
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