To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
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