What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
Mooning is very ASStrological
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
I feel tail great!
I can heartly wait to see you again.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
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