My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
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