Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
I hope for world peas.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
Life is brew-tiful!
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
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