I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
That look soots you.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Don’t be elfish.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
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