Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
Leave poetry to the prose.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
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