My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
Whatever floats your goat.
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
I think therefore I yam.
Pirates Private Property.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
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