I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
How Rudolf you to say that!
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
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