A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
"No body won the skeleton race."
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Trowel and error.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Call me on the shellphone.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
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