You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
Icy what you did there.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
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