What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
My love for you simply radiates.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
Best in snow.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
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