The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
We make a great pear
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
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