My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
"There's no bunny like you."
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Go big or go gnome.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
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