I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
The boot black brought the black boot back.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
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