What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Something’s goat to give.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
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