What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
I always have a souper time with you.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
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