I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
Don’t be elfish.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
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