I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
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