What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
As it snow happens.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
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