My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
I love you deerly.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
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