I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
Metaphors be with you.
What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
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