I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
It's lit.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
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