Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
I beacha miss summer already!
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
Time fries when you’re having fun!
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
"I whip my hare back and forth."
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
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