The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
I have bean thinking about you.
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
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