Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Shes a fairy realistic person.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
"I make pour decisions."
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
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