How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
Shave a single shingle thin.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
I like your tight end
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
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