What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
You're the ruler of my heart.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
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