What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
The calm before the score
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
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