While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
I need to take this picture for my instayam
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
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