On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Join us for plenty of play action.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
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