What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
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