I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
Pugs and kisses.
"I'm nuts about you."
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
Go to BabaMail
