History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
Did you heard about the zombie crow? He wants to eat your grains.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
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