What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Let’s take an elfie.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
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