Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
Thank brew very much.
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
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