What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Let’s take an elfie.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
The pint’s the limit.
Don't worry, bee happy!
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
Whatever coats your boat.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
I only have ice for you!
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
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