What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
I dig you a hole lot.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
Beach you to it.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
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