The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Time to spruce things up.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
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