Keep calm and carrot on.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Shell yeah.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
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