What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
I love you berry much.
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
Can I Alp you?
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
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