Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
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