What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
"No eggs-cuses."
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
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