My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
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