Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
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