Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
"It's wine o'clock."
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
"You had me at merlot."
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
Shave a single shingle thin.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
I think I found my perfect match
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
New electric trains will run on conductors.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Birch, please.
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
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