What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
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