Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
This is snow laughing matter!
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
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