Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Everybody romaine calm.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
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