Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
Get clover it, babe.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
I like your tight end
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
Join us for plenty of play action.
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
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