As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
You sleigh me.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
Hold on for deer life.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
I “lub” you.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
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