Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
"I need to re-wine my life."
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
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