hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
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