What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
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