Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
Having a ball
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
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