Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
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