What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Come witch me to the party.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
You make miso happy.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
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