What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
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