What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
I love you deerly.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
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