My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Sea you at the beach.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
You snow the drill.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
You seem a little mer-mad.
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