What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
Beer-lieve it or not!
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
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