My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
It was mitten in the stars.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
Give me some pigskin
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
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