Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
You're acute Valentine.
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
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