Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
We’ll have a ball.
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