What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
Time to celery-brate.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
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