Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
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