I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
Your good seed for the day.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
Have you botany plants lately?
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
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