What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
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