What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
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