What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
He threw three free throws.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
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