There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
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