Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
"I'm nuts about you."
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
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