Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
You really mermaid my day.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
Colors laugh by saying, "Hue Hue Hue."
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
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