What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
Beer-lieve it or not!
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
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